I’ve always been ashamed of my emotions.
I was actually taught to be…
I remember one time,
when I was in elementary school,
and I first told my dad
that I was depressed.
I was so scared,
I had no idea what was going on with me.
I had found a name for my ‘symptoms’:
Insomnia, sadness, rapid heart-beat,
through the internet.
I had no idea why I felt
the way I felt,
I was so scared.
So I went to my dad for help
and he said…
‘There are kids in Africa dying from hunger
and you’re sad over nothing.’
And after that,
he opened a bottle of beer
and he sighed
because I had been such a burden to him.
And he and my mom laughed
about this ‘problem’ that had occured upon them
Their little girl…
claiming to have depression.
Who had heard of such a silly thing?
I’m sorry dad
for being such a burden
but it wasn’t my fault.
It. Wasn’t. My. Fault.
I couldn’t help it…
I couldn’t stop the feelings that were running through me…
I couldn’t stop them if I wanted to.
I couldn’t help the sleepless nights…
Couldn’t help fearing the dark
for reasons I couldn’t understand.
I didn’t want the feelings that I had.
So sorry dad, for being such a burden.