Accept or improve? That is the question.

So one of my new favorite people right not is definitely Alain de Botton. Alain de Botton is a well-known, writer, philosopher and the inventor of the popular Youtube channel called “The School of Life” all about philosophy. His talk called “Why you will marry the wrong person” has easily become one of my new favorite talks of all time. It is packed with alternative view points of a vast amount of topics, from addiction to anger to love and much more and I definitely recommend you watch it:

Now among the wide range of topics he touches on there is one that has been on the back of my head and that I have been pondering about. He says that in a relationship (and I would say in any kind relationship, not specifically a romantic one), we must learn to become teachers. You must not believe than when someone is trying to tell you something about yourself, that they are attacking you. In reality, according to Alain, they are trying to make you a better person.

We tend to believe that true love means accepting the whole of us. According to Alain,  it doesn’t. Because we’re humans, we have flaws, and we definitely have areas we can improve on.

Criticism is merely a wrong word that we apply to a much nobler idea which is to try to become a better version of ourselves.

Plato also touched on this issue, saying that we should let our lover change who we are:

Personally, up until now I was against this idea. I believe that we should accept a person for who they are, and even if we believe they have flaws, we should accept them and allow them to change them in their own time (if ever). Because everyone’s ideals are different, and what I consider ideal maybe totally different and incompatible for someone else.

But after watching Alain’s talk, now I’m not sure. I mean, he is right, no one is perfect, that’s for sure. Maybe the answer is a combination of the two, point out things we believe our significant others can improve on, and if they don’t accept it, accept that they don’t accept it.

I personally believe I am a very difficult person when it comes to accepting. I tend to focus on other peoples ‘flaws’, and they often become deal breakers for me. Maybe it’s time I try to improve myself.

I’d love to hear your opinion on the topic. Should we accept others for who they are, should we try to change them? And if they don’t change, should we move on? Please help me out here.


8 thoughts on “Accept or improve? That is the question.

    1. evanaweb says:

      I would have checked out your blog anyway. The good thing about having few followers is you really have a chance to research and review other peoples blogs that come across yours. Thanks for reading and following 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sundaram Chauhan says:

    Hey Eva… it was a nice video…I liked the man. Intellectuals draw me…✌…hmm it’s a difficult topic to talk about. Personally I have never tried to change my partner…and expected them not to try that with me. But then I thought they were awesome already, and their flaws only made them human and justified my flaws as well. I have often felt that I fortify myself against any suggestion given in a tone that’s not loving. But I keep a check on myself and try to improve whenever I find out I am lacking. Ultimately a long relationship with the right person automatically influences us, and changes us. And unless something is really harmful for my partner or anyone important for that matter, I wouldn’t want to change her. In fact having not attempted to change them I have learnt a lot from them…a certain girl made me fall with music, and sitcoms, another with books, and yet another with writing, but none of them could change me, or I them. And we are all living happily ever after with different partners. Excuse my mistakes and wanderings…travelling…and writing on mobile phone…😁😁🤘👍✌

    Liked by 1 person

    1. evana says:

      Hey Sundaram 😀 Again, thanks for taking the time to check out and comment on my own posts 😀 It’s great cause I get to see the evolution of my own opinions on these topics. For this topic, I am not sure… I think I see where Alain de Botton was going with it. Of course, like you said, if any critisism is made with the wrong tone, then it is automatically disregarded, because it is coming from a hateful source, and not love. But if your partner is trying to improve you as a person, because he/she knows your flaws, flaws you even recognize yourself, if he/she is helping you in your journey of self-discovery and overall improvement as a human being, then I believe that is a beautiful thing. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect, and of course the most important thing is that you recognize those flaws in yourself, before anyone else has to point them out for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sundaram Chauhan says:

    True if only a partner can be that selfless…🤘😁… I have seen, with the best of intentions of improving me, my own wife (and she is one amazing woman, even financing my dreams)…manages only to put across her suggestions with a certain bitterness in her tone. God knows I have gone out of my way to improve myself whenever she sounded right. But that loving, constructive, and caring way is, I guess, a little too difficult to achieve. And having said that, I totally get what you’re saying…yes if someone that concerned can let us know our flaws we could really be our best versions as there would be someone genuinely looking to make us that. And I love this line as well..
    “Maybe the answer is a combination of the two, point out things we believe our significant others can improve on, and if they don’t accept it, accept that they don’t accept it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. evana says:

      Yes, it is definitely very hard to achieve, Sundaram… Emotions so easily get in the way. Only if we are able to put them aside, I believe, both sides, can such constructiveness be achievable. Haha yes, I guess I’ll have to agree on myself as well 😛 Sometimes the other person isn’t even ready to hear it, ready to recognize it in themself.. Sometimes they just need time. So accept the flaws, and move on… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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